A Year After Mum

A year has gone since you went away
but I still see you every day.
Your hair, your eyes, your smile
will stay with me yet a while.

I miss you Mum, in many ways
but see your face on most days
when I look in the mirror every morn
my heart inside of me is torn.

Tell me Mum, if you will,
is it nice and peaceful over the hill?
Is it warm and pleasant, with sweet smelling air?
Will I like it when I get there?

Do you miss us, as we miss you?
We can't come yet, there's too much to do.
But when my turn has come around,
I hope you'll meet me and show me round.

Mum, it's been a year since you passed away. Never a day goes by that I don't miss you or think of you. I am kind of glad that you aren't around to see what has become of the "family" you held together. I just wish that they would all get their heads out of the sand and wake up to the realities of life.  Miss your heaps Mum, all my love, Julz

Mind Your Own Business

Some people are just beyond a joke! Picking and moaning about the most trivial of things.

You know who you are - and all I can say is that if you have so little to do in your own life that you must make a habit of reading my blog and making little wooden bullets for others to fire, then you have a very sad life indeed.  Get over yourself - and get a real life.

Family Faction Fighting

You would think that a bunch of people born of the same parents and raised by those same parents, would be able to get along, wouldn't you? Most do, but not so in our family. I was born the eldest of 6 kids - all to the same parents, and all of us were raised by Mum & Dad too. But that is about where the similarities end.

In a couple of weeks it will be a year since Mum passed away. In all of that time, I have only spoken to one of my siblings - and only then because I answered the phone at my daughter's house, and my sister was on the other end of the line! Not from want of trying on my part, mind you. All I seem to get these days is filthy messages on Facebook or snide remarks made to my kids if they happen to be in the  same place as my siblings may be.

I have not been included in any family gatherings since Mum's funeral in May last year. Not an invitation or even an inclusion in any family discussions. Not a thing. Yes it hurts, but I am learning to live with it. Can't say I like it, but guess I don't have a choice. If they all want to be A-grade @#$%-holes about it, then there isn't much I can do or say to change their opinions. But I gave up worrying about other people's opinions a long, long time ago. So why does this hurt so much?

Probably because they are my sisters and my brother who are doing this to me - and for what? All because our mother helped me out financially a number of years ago, and her will was written to reflect that assistance thus -

If a 1/5 share of her estate was more than the amount that Mum loaned me, then I would be responsible for paying the difference between what Mum loaned me and the 1/5 share value, back to the estate. If the 1/5 share was less than the amount that Mum loaned me, then the difference between the 1/5 share and what Mum had loanded me would be paid in equal portions to my surviving grand-children. NOT to me, NOT to my children, but to my GRANDCHILDREN - so those they despise so much, didn't get a cent.

This was Mum's wish, since she knew that this would make the worms well and truly turn, especially if the difference, if any, were left to me, and heaven forbid that any should be left to my son or daughter! How dare she help out one of her kids. It has been okay for her to help them out in the past, but how dare she help me out!

Even in the arrangements for Mum's funeral I was omitted from everything except the preparation of the eulogy - and they even got the shits on over that, because my son had to drive me down to my sister's place (80kms away mind you) to help them out because none of them knew how to write one. I knew something was going to happen when my sister got all bent out of shape when I said that I wanted to say a few words of my own at Mum's funeral. Her comments were so rude and hurtful, it seemed to me then that it was a total imposition for me to even be there.

Poor Mum, I truly hope she hasn't hung around to see or hear what her kids are doing and saying to one another now. She was the glue that kept us together, but the last smidgeon of that is long gone - it disappeared the night she closed her eyes for the last time.

Part of all of this is what keeps that rotten damned black dog at my door. I try not to let it get to me, but every so often it rears its ugly head and comes back to bite me again.  It has just done so in the past week, since I needed to tell my family that I would be out of the country for 6 weeks - according to them I am spending their inheritance on my trip, but I assure you I am not at all.

Funny though, that there are items in a couple of their houses that could only have come from money from Mum, since at the time they were "acquired", neither sister had the sorts of incomes that would allow them to purchase such items. And one sister's "partner" still owes mum a lot of money for loans she made to him for vehicles he purchased, and the same sister was helped to pay off her ex-husband's divorce settlement too - but I got the majority of their inheritance - acoording to them anyway.

If I write much more on this subject, I am going to be out for the count for several days, so best I leave it now. One day they will wake up to themselves.

Missing Links

In October the year before last we finally me my late brother's daughter Jaime Lea. That's here on the left of the photo. The other gorgeous girl is my sister's eldest daughter Alyssa who has just become a mum for the second time to a cute little boy that she and her partner Damien have named Orlando Charles after my late brother.

It was really nice to meet Jaime - she is so much like her father in so many ways.

Running on Empty - again!

Ten to three Monday morning - and I am wide awake - AGAIN!!

This is really driving me nuts. I would love to get a solid night's sleep, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen any time soon. It drives me round the twist. I can't sleep at night properly and so am forced to do so in the day time - and that is not the greatest of things to be doing with a 5 year old in the house. God knows what he gets up to when I am asleep.

Between bugger-all sleep, the drugs the doc has now got me on, coping with the 5 year old, needing to sleep in the day time, and the rest of life's little mysteries every day, I guess I am running well and truly on empty at the moment. Oh well, as my beloved old mum used to say - "Every cloud has a silver lining, Dear" - That may be so mother, darling, but I'm telling you the buggers I see every day look awful  tarnished to me!

I'm going O/S !!!

In a short 40 days or so, I am off overseas to visit my beautiful grand-daughter and her mum. Kasey is allowed to come with me too, which is great, because he gets to spend a bit of time with his little sister.

We leave on 20th May and get back on 1st July - 6 whole weeks!! And Heather is coming with us too for the first 3 weeks, so that is a bonus.

Went up on Friday and paid for our tickets. Still have to pay for the accommodation though, but that isn't a huge issue. Hope my passport gets here soon, or I won't be going at all!!!

School Holidays Suck

I hate school holidays more now than I did when my own kids were going to school. Poor Kasey has been on holidays from school for a week now, and already it seems like an eternity - and there is still another week left to go yet!

But this week he is probably going over to play with one of his mates for a few hours while I go down the hospital, yet again, for more prodding and poking and the odd smidge of mind bending.

Kasey went to school

Kasey started school on Wednesday - it is so quiet here during the day without him running around yelloing and screaming. Miss the little bugger heaps.

Kasey goes to school... at last!

Kasey turned 5 back in August last year. Today (27th January 2010) will be his first day at school. I have just finished cutting his lunch - the mandatory fritz and sauce sandwich that he loves so much - and it has to be smiley face fritz too - a banana, cheese stick, cherry tomato and a couple of mini muffins that we made together yesterday. His drink bottle is full, cold and ready to go in as well.

In an hour or so I will get him up and get him his breakfast, then get him dressed in his new school clothes. Aunty Heather will take some photos of him for me and I will add them later or perhaps tomorrow. Then we will drive the short distance to school, where we will spend the first half of the day together learning where things are and how the school day operates. I will leave at about lunch time and return to pick him up at 3:15pm.

I don't remember feeling like this when my own kids went to school for the first time! Things have changed a lot since they went to school - back then you just dropped the kids off at the class room and went home - there was none of the parental interaction with the kids in the class room that there seems to be these days. Next week, I will be spending a whole day at the school with the kids. His teacher is taking photos of all the kids, and parents/guardians are invited to spend the day at the school helping the kids to scrapbook their first days at school. Right up my alley, that.

Happy Birthday Mum

Lorraine June Stokes nee Hillman

1-6-1932 - 24-4-2009

My beautiful, wonderful mother would have turned 77 today, but we buried her a month ago today. She died of cancer in her sleep at the nursing home she had lived at since diagnosis nearly 9 years ago. She was luckier than most who suffer from this horrid disease. She didn't have chemotherapy at all, but did undergo several lots of radiotherapy. The cancer that finally took her began in an unknown location. By the time it was discovered, it was a secondary location that was found in her left lung. Surgery wasn't and option because of the threat of scar tissue closing off her remaining viable lung. So her specialist opted for radiotherapy. This treatment gave her another five years of her life. During that time she did many things that she wouldn't probably have otherwise done - she travelled around Australia by car & caravan with her friend Jenny and also enjoyed a trip to Canada and back via Singapore and Hong Kong. But two years ago when she was taken quite suddenly ill and was rushed to the Royal Adelaide Hospital with what was suspected to be a stroke of some sort, we discovered that the cancer had returned with a vengence. It had metastecised to her surviving lung, her remaining kidney, to her liver, to her spine and to her brain. Poor Mum. But up until the last month or so of her life, she was fortunate in that she didn't have a great deal of pain -or if she did, she didn't let on to anyone. She is gone now, to a better place. A place where there is no more suffering and pain. And today, when we remember her on her birthday, we choose to remember the mum without the cancer, the mum without pain and suffering. The mum who was there for each and every one of us when we needed her. The mum who never said anything was too hard. Bless you mum, and Happy Birthday. I can't share a birthday cake with you this year when my turn comes next week. But I did light a candle for you and it has burned all day long in your memory.

Vale: Lorraine Stokes nee Hillman

Lorraine June Stokes

born 1 June 1932 Mt Barker, SA

died 24 April 2009 Mt Barker, SA

Loved wife of Wally. Mother and mother-in-law of Julie, Yvonne & Peter, Brett, Lee-Anne & Steve, Timothy (decd.), Patti & Tony. Fondly remembered by Ros.

Grandmother to Lincoln & Kellie; Alyssa, Renee & Felicity; Hilary & Emaley; Amy-Lee, Chad, Brodie & Duane; and Jaime-Lea.

Great grandmother of Tahlia, Joshua, Tyrone, Kasey, Tre & Phoebe; Laura & Hannah; Rosalie; Shayleigh, Kayla & Deegan.

Why can't I see what's going on?

It has been exactly three weeks since I wrote anything in here. That doesn't mean that things are any better than they were three weeks ago though. Quite the contrary. I am still not coping with stuff very well. Small things piss me off beyond reason.

Yesterday I screamed like a banshee at my grandson when he sneaked quietly up behind my chair while I was trying to do some work on my computer. He didn't say anything, but stood just behind my chair making stupid noises - very quietly but loud enough for me to hear what he was saying. There weren't any real words, just silly little kid jibber. But it cut through my already low concentration like a knife through butter. My reaction to him was totally unreasonable. I should not have yelled like I did at him. He was only trying to get my attention.

If I can see this when I write about it, why can't I see it when stuff happens to piss me off and send me back down the tunnel to play with the black dog again?

Slow Progress

I have been lazy. I haven't written in here for about a month now, but much has been happening to drive me insane - more so than I was before. I thought I was making some progress then all hell broke loose and tipped me off the edge again.

To try and help myself with the anxiety and depression, I have been seeing a psychologist once a fortnight for a while now. He is good. Session before last he tried hypnosis to help me relax. I am supposed to listen to the tape twice a day since then, but haven't even managed to do it once yet. Too much going on - too many distractions - too much noise and too many migraines to even attempt it. How can I concentrate with Kasey yelling and screaming all the time and swearing at his computer game because the bad guys killed him!

The cap off on the past few weeks has been the death of my beloved mother on April 24th. She had cancer. I am sorry she is gone, but know that she is at peace now and not in any more pain. We buried her on Friday May 1st in what was an absolutely moving and fitting tribute to her life. She was an amazing lady, my Mum. I will miss her a lot, but know that she is with me always - can't help but be - I see her everytime I look in a mirror.

Out For The Count...

I have to admit to being a bit lazy of late in my postings here. But I do have an excuse for some of the days I missed - the last two days in particular. I have had the most abominable migraine I have had in a long time. It felt like my head was splitting in half. So I have really been out for the count as it were for several days - partially from the migraine, and partially from the depression & the pain in my back doesn't help at all.

Since I last wrote in my blog, not a lot has happened. Kasey is still a pain, so is his dad. I haven't heard from Kellie and her girls either. And there has been some bad news from New Zealand, which I am not going into here for privacy reasons. But all of it hasn't helped me any in getting over this depression that I just can't seem to shake.

It appears to get a little better and then some other kick in the guts comes along to drag me down again - it's like a vicious circle really. Day after day, week after week. I feel as if I am necer getting any closer to getting better. The psychologist that I am seeing says it will take some time, perhaps 6 - 18 months to get over the depression. When I told him I thought that I had been like this for that long, he was rather surprised - don't know why, that is just how he seemed to me. Perhaps I am not as "ready to top myself" as some people might be after suffering like this for that long - I don't know. But at least he is trying to help me. I am having hypnotherapy at my next session with him - that'll be interesting. I wonder what he will find, and whether or not I come out of it mooing like a cow or laying eggs at the sound of some subliminal trigger?

Missed a few...

Haven't written in my blog for a few days. Things haven't been too bad until Friday. Like an idiot, I got up to put the rubbish bin out for collection when I heard the truck coming down the street. Our driveway is uphill to the road from the house - and stupid here, pushed it up the hill didn't she, then had to drag it round to put it in the right spot. Holy Cow did my back ever hurt at the end of it. So much so, that I spent most of the day on the couch in absolute agony. Still in heaps of pain now, but just got up again to take some more pain medication so that I CAN SLEEP!!