You Don't Qualify...

Since last October I have been waiting for an appointment with the Neurosurgeon to get my back fixed, and since December I have been walking - when I can walk that is - with a walking frame/trolley thing. I haven't been able to work since July 2007 because of the pain in my back and the effect that the pain medication has on me (makes me sleepy). But according to Centrelink, I can still work up to 15 hours a week!!

I would like to see the idiot that came up with that idea put up with this pain and to see them try to just do the everyday stuff !!!!!!!!!!

Also in December, I had to go to Centrelink and see someone about getting on a disability support pension - at least until I can get the surgery done. I was given all the forms and dutifully filled them in and had my GP do his bit as well. Took the forms back and was politely told by the interviewing officer that I didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting it because I wasn't "fully treated"?????????????

What sort of idiots are they?? If I was fully treated, I wouldn't need the stupid pension, I would be able to go back to work - it is while I can't do anything that I need it!! "I will process your application anyway, madam, and make an appointment for you to see a job capacity assessor who will determine whether or not you can do any work" was the sum total of the rest of the conversation I had with the fellow - That was back in December and until Thursday, I was still waiting for them to make the appointment for me.

In the meantime, I have had the Job Network guy on the phone telling me I had to come and see him for some intensive training in how to get a job!! Be buggered I do!!! I could probably teach him how to get a job - I ran the first Job Club in the whole of Australia for ex-offenders in the 90's with an 80% success rate! I don't need their "intensive assistance" - what I do need is for them to open their stupid eyes and see that I can barely walk without the trolley and I spend most of my time asleep - and until I get my back done, nothing is going to change that!!!

So, off I went on Thursday to see this bloke at Atec. If you could have seen the look on his face when he came out and called my name.... priceless is the only way I can describe it. I am sure he thought I was bullshitting him when I told him on the phone that I walked very slowly with a trolley - when I could move at all. To cut a long story short - I snail walked out of his office with a referal to a Job Capacity Assessor on Monday coming - and a recommendation that I be put on the DSP until my surgery and recovery are complete.

What amazed me about this whole thing was that this bloke took about 1 minute to make the appointment using the same networked software/computer system that the idiot at Centrelink uses, and the Centrelink dude couldn't even do it in over 2 months!!!!

They wonder why people get pissed off with them at Centrelink. Quite simply it is because of their complete lack of thought or respect or anything else for their clients. As long as they are getting their pay cheques at the end of each week, it's all good. Too bad about what the client needs or wants. Is it any wonder that they have to have security guards in their offices now to "protect" them from undesirables. The bloody clients wouldn't become undesireable or angry, or pissed off or anything else if the morons behind the counters actually did what we the tax payers are paying them to do - their jobs properly!!!

The frustration of not being able to get any sense out of Centrelink, the lack of support from them when it comes to appointments being made for my, the constant waiting for an appointment to see the surgeon (because I don't have private medical cover), and the constant pain and inability to do the everyday things that everyone else does and takes for granted, weigh heavily on my sanity.

There are days when I could quite cheefully chuck in the towel because of the constant pain and frustration. But where would that leave my family? Not that they give two shits most of the time either, but it's the grandies that I worry about - they wouldn't have their Nan if I chucked it in and I can't be that cruel to them, as most of them only have me as a grandmother anyway.

I have to stop writing this now - my back is hurting like mad, and I am depressing myself futher by thinking about it all..... more tomorrow.

Pain, Pills, Potions & Patches

My back is killing me today. There is a change in the weather and everytime there is a change, the pain is almost unbearable - doesn't matter if it is hot going to cold or cold going to hot, just the barometric pressure change either way seems to have an adverse effect on the severity of the pain I live with every day.

Sitting hurts, standing hurts, laying down hurts. I have put my pain patch on early this morning because it is so sore and taken some extra pain killers too, but it is taking ages to kick in for some reason today. What is causing the pain is chronic lumbar spondylosis - my L4 & L5 vertebra have worn each other away and also the disc between them at an odd angle and are now pushing on nerves and the spinal column to boot. Nice..... NOT!!

In July 2007 I experienced the most horrific pain in my right hip and had to have time off work with it. Later, the back began to hurt to the same degree as the hip and then the left hip decided to come out in sympathy with the rest of it making movement of any sort almost impossible. The result was that I had to give up work because of it. I was having more time off work than on with the pain and inability to move, that it wasn't fair on my (then) wonderful employers, to put them through any more of my prolonged absences from the workplace.

Since then, the pain has increased. I spent months running back and forth to Flinders for Physio and Hydrotherapy work - for nothing - it still hurts like hell. At the end of 2007, my GP sent me to a pain specialist. He prescribed patches (Durogesic - ie. fentanyl) for the pain, which I have to change daily, even though they are 72 hour slow release patches. They help - but they put me to sleep. I spend most of my time asleep nowadays, once I have put my patches on. The pain specialist also sent me to a Neurologist for assessment - he sent me for MRI's and regular xrays etc. and came back with the diagnosis of chronic lumbar spondylosis. The next step was for him to refer me to a Neurosurgeon and that is where the latest degree of my anxiety, depression and general unhappiness comes from. His other orders were that I was to stop using a walking stick (as I had been doing for quite some time) and to start using a walking frame on wheels so that I was not leaning towards the side and making the two vertebra rub together causing more damage.

Great!! Fifty years old and getting about with a bloody trolley - like my 76 year old mother does!! Wonderful !! Great for the self esteeem - NOT!!

Why am I doing this?

Good question... I don't really know myself. Perhaps it is a means of helping me cope with everything that goes on in my world. Sometimes I think that my life would make a great soapie show with all the crap that has happened in it over the past 30 or so years.

A long time ago, when trying to deal with one of the crappy episodes in my life, I actually gave in an sought the help of a counsellor, whose only suggestion was for me to write down stuff that bothered me, happened to me, happened around me as a means of analysing what was going on deep down. So I did that for a while, but soon lost interest. Lately, there have been some more things happening to annoy the hell out of me, depress me, anger me, so I decided to write it down here. Maybe someone who reads it might have some other ideas or strategies for coping with life's crappiest moments.

It is my intention now to make a committment to myself to write in here everyday with all that is bothering me, happening to piss me off, happening around me, causing me grief and so on. It will probably bore the rest of the world to tears but at least I can get it out of my system. Just maybe some of it will keep the black dog at bay for a while.