Missed a few...

Haven't written in my blog for a few days. Things haven't been too bad until Friday. Like an idiot, I got up to put the rubbish bin out for collection when I heard the truck coming down the street. Our driveway is uphill to the road from the house - and stupid here, pushed it up the hill didn't she, then had to drag it round to put it in the right spot. Holy Cow did my back ever hurt at the end of it. So much so, that I spent most of the day on the couch in absolute agony. Still in heaps of pain now, but just got up again to take some more pain medication so that I CAN SLEEP!!

Monday 23rd

Did what small amount of housework my back would allow me to do. God I hate this! The house is like a pig yard but there isn't much I can do about it right now. Had a bit of help doing some of the jobs though, which wasn't too bad. But, as usual, I tried to do too much and hurt myself trying to do the cats' litter tray (hate that job - hate, hate, hate). I had to lay down for a while after that.

Went to visit a friend's mother in hospital last night. She has been gravely ill, but looked much better than when I saw her jsut over a week or so ago.

The rest of the day was pretty boring - don't remember much about it - because I was asleep and drugged up on pain pills for what I did to myself. I wish they would hurry up and fix my back. I am so, so, sick of it!

Sunday 22nd

A quiet day eventhough Kasey was at home all day. He spent most of it with his Dad upstairs playing games on his father's playstation. I spent most of it asleep, so missed whatever else was happening in the house around me. Woke up feeling drained, but at least I got some sleep unlike the night before.

I am disappointed in myself today. I have work to do and can't concentrate long enought to get anything done. A client called me today and asked how his job was coming along. That was enough to tip me over the edge slightly. I had to tell him that I cannot complete the job for him due to my health issues. He tried to argue with me when I told him that I would not be charging him for the time I have spent so far on the job - truth be known, I haven't touched the job in nearly 3 months - and it was only supposed to take me a couple of weeks to do. I am sorry Frank.

Saturday 21st

Got through yesterday fairly well - that is until it was time to go home. I remember looking at the clock in the office at Heather's shop and noting the time - 5:13PM - and thinking to myself that it was almost home time! From that moment on the anxiety became gradually worse. I could feel myself tensing up, minute by minute, at the thought of going home and having to face my son and his demands, and my grandson and his demands as well. I have to admit that I had not consciously thought about it before that time, but since I saw John the other day, I have been taking more notice of what I am doing and how I am feeling.

My head began to ache, and so did my back. I felt physically sick about the time that we got in the car and made ready to leave the carpark. That feeling stayed with me until about an hour after my grandson had gone to bed. I am finding that what John suggested I do - write down how I am feeling and what I think triggered those feelings - is a useful tool in dealing with this.'

I am working with Heather again today, so we will see how it pans out by the end of it.

Friday 20th

Working with Heather again today - yay!! no kids to drive me up the wall again!! I will play receptionist again for her today - just hope I can stay awake all day - couldn't yesterday - had to have a bit of a kip in the late morning and then again in the afternoon. But she will be totally on her own today, so I have to do my best to stay away to help her out.

I really can't help that I have to lay down or sleep during the day - the pain drugs make me so drowsy and the migraine ones are not any better!

Thursday 19th

Aaahhhhh!! A much more peaceful day!

I spent the day at the shop with Heather, and will be doing the same on Friday and Saturday as well. Just answering the phone for her, as her partner and staff are off at the Clipsal 500 race (lucky buggers!).

Fell asleep twice during the day - but it did me good to catch up that little bit. And when I wasn't answering the phone, I have been editing my book and expanding some passages a little.

My Drawing Efforts

For years I have been drawing stuff - not very good mind you, but reasonable compared to some I have seen. The weird thing is that I can only draw well when my brain is acting up like it is at the moment. Depression allows my artistic side to come really well - don't know why, but it does.

These are two drawings I have done in the past couple of days. The little girl is my grand-daughter Phoebe, who lives in New Zealand with her mum, and the boy is Kasey. The only thing missing is the devilment in Kasey's eyes - just can't seem to capture that in his expression.

Just thought I would share my work with my readers.

Wednesday 18th

Wan't as bad a day as I thought it might be after all. Kasey wasn't too bad in the morning, but got worse as the day progressed, although I have to say he wasn't half as bad as he normally has been - perhaps the diet and the fish oil and the brauer calm are beginning to take effect on him.

Didn't go shopping today was Linc had stuff he needed to do, so I just stayed at home until it was time to go see the Psychologist for my first visit with him.

Where do I start - the psychologist's name is John ( won't print his whole name though ) - seems like and alright sort of a bloke, I suppose. I have to say that he asked some really dumb questions of me, and he had a hard time getting his own head around my family structure and that of my children and their respective families. Took him most of the session to work that out right!

We went through a series of questions relating to stuff that has/hasn't happened to me in my past and about how I feel about those items now. At the end of it he informed me that I am definitely suffering from clinical depression and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) - but I already knew that anyway!

I just now have to learn to live with it and manage my episodes better than what I am now doing. As if I can do that just now, with one of the roots of the problem driving me up the wall on a daily basis! But learn I must, so now I am off to learn more about coping with the conditions as best I can. I have to see him again in a fortnight. My parting words to him were that I would see him in a fortnight as long as I hadn't killed anyone in the interim.

Tuesday 17th

Colleen went home today. I don't know how I am going to get through the days now iwthout her here to keep an eye on me so that I don't do something I will regret later.

Went to the airport to take Witchey there to go home. Heather and I went to the hospital to visit her mum on the way home. While we were at the airport, Linc phoned Heather and asked if we could stop by Roger's place and pick Kasey up. God he has a nerve - can't he look after his own bloody kid for just one day without expecting me to do his duty for him!

I have a plan!!!!! Heather will be working on her own at the shop from Thursday through Saturday - so I am going to work with her as a means of escape. She told Linc that HE would have to look after Kasey himself!!!

Monday 16th

Well, what can I say - the day from hell? Am I losiing my mind? Or what?

Kasey was a complete nightmare today - everything he could do wrong or to piss me off, he did. How I got through the day, I am buggered if I know. If it wasn't for Colleen being here, I don't know what I would have done.

Sunday 15th

The day started out okay but deteriorated rapidly into chaos. I slept late - well, late for me anyway - after being up and down all night with myback. Kasey slept later than normal too, which I saw as a blessing, but that was shortlived once he got out of bed. Talk about demanding! I want this, I want that, give me a drink, I want food - and on and on he went.

Heather and Colleen suggested to my son that it would be a good idea if he took the boy out with him for a few hours to give me some peace. He reluctantlu=y agreed and took him over to Roger's place for a couple of hours. The girls and I had planned to go for a nosey down to the Brickworks Markets, just for something to do, and Colleen wated to buy a couple of Kitchen Witches for her house. When the time came to get ready to leave, I didn't feel like going, so had decidedto stay home and have some peace and quite to myself. But that idea was squashed when Linc and Kasey arrived back only about an hou after they left. That changed my mind rapidly, and so we went off to the markets by ourselves with out boy children in tow. We had a lovelly afternoon just browsing around the different stalls- Colleen got 3 witches and I bougth a box of scrapbooking bits for only $4-50 with 2000 items in it; and we all splurged on Jelly Bellies at the Lollypop shop - 49 flavours of jelly beans! YUM!

Migraines & Kids Don't Mix

Yesterday, Saturday 14th March, I had another horrid migraine. Kasey did everything he possibly could to exaserbate the situation for me. A couple of times I came very close to getting up off the couch and thumping him. What was I doing on the couch? Well, that is another story entirely, but to cut it short, my son is sleeping in my room, Colleen in sleeping in his room, and I am sleeping on the couch? Why? Because the couch is more comfortable on my back than my bed is, and because I am up and down a dozen times a night, it is fairer on the rest of the household if I am not thumping up and down the stairs a dozen times a night.

Finally heard from Kellie yesterday, she and the girls are fine. The cyclone up there turned out to be a bit of a fizzer apparently. Got some photos of Laura in her new school uniform - she reminds me of Kellie in her QLD uniform 15 years ago when we lived up there.

Linc informed me tonight that he is going to QLD for two weeks in 11 days time with Wayne to see Kellie and the girls before he goes to NZ. Nice of him. His exact words after he said he was going were "Do you want me to take Kasey with me?" Oh Duhh!! He is your kid son, take him with you, because if you don't he might not be here when you get back was the thought that ran through my head. But I didn't say that to him, instead I suggested that it would be a good idea to take him so that he can see his aunty & cousins before he leaves the country. I can't believe that my son can be so selfish as to expect me to look after Kasey for two weeks on my own while he goes jetting off to QLD! I suppose he will ask me to have the little shit while he goes up to Loxton to do the tattoo jobs he has lined up, up there too! Be buggered! He can take him with him! I need a break from his horrid attitude and his antics before I go completely insane!

Friday 13th

What a day! My best friend's mother was rushed to hospital again on Friday morning. Heather rang me at about 10am to tell me that she was going to the hospital to be with her mum and that she would be home when she got home. She wasn't kidding - she didn't get home until after midnight and looked like death warmed up herself! Her mum is over 80 and until a few months ago, had not been near a hospital since her youngest daughter was born 50 years ago. She still lives by herself at home - Heather's dad passed away about 6 or so years ago, maybe more - and still drives her car and does stuff for herself. So when Margaret took ill, it was quite a surprise. But it isn't good, the prognoses are that she will not be able to go back home and look after herself again, she will need full time, high dependancy nursing care for the rest of her life - the expectancy of which is quite short.

This added to my own problems and nightmares dragged me further down than I already was. I don't know how much more bad news is going to come my way before I snap completely. I just hope my own mum hangs in there for a while longer, if not, then I know that will tip me over the edge of no return.

Yesterday Sucked

It was not a good day yesterday - at all. Kasey was a nightmare all day, I had a rotten migraine -again, and nothing went right all day. Then to top it off I had a meeting to go to last night and I ended up leaving half way through because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I really do not like where my mind is sitting at the present moment.

I am scared that I am going to hurt someone. And it will probably be either myself or Kasey. He drives me insane and I can't seem to get away from this horrible feeling. He is only a little kid, but the stuff he gets into is unbelievable for a four year old to be doing. Yesterday he smashed a double adapter power board by dropping an old broken laptop on it and smashing it. Then while it was still plugged into power he pulled it apart - how he wasn't electrocuted I don't know!! He managed to trip the earth leakage circuit though and turned off all the power in the house!

My anger levels went through the roof, and even though I took myself out of the room and away from the situation, I still couldn't escape the horrible feeling of wanting to wring his neck. Because I feel this way at the moment, I am glad that Colleen is here, because if she wasn't, I don't know what I would be capable of doing.

I don't mean that I deliberately want to hurt Kasey, I don't. I love the poor little bugger to bits, he is the only one of my grandsons that I ever see. I just mean that because I feel so damned low and depressed about everything else that is going on in my life, I just snap at the slightest provocation and lash out without thinking. And I can't help it. As I said before, I don't like where my head is at right now. It frightens me. I am scared I am going to do something that I will seriously regret for the rest of my life, and I don't know what to do about it.

Just Another Day

Not a lot happened yesterday really. All in all my day wasn't too bad. Pain wise it was managable - although towards the end of the day I was really feeling it. Mentally - well - that's another story. Kasey drove me insane again with his abhorrent behaviour. I really am at my wits end with that boy. I know it is only for a few more weeks, but I don't know if I can hang on that long. I have started watching the clock in the mornings lately and thinking to myself that it is however long until the nightmare strikes. I know this is irrational but I can't help it. In the afternoons I find myself watching the clock and thinking that it is only however long until his father comes home and gives me some peace, but then I turn that around to the negative as well, because I don't get any peace then either because there is still dinner to get for him, bath to give him and then to put him to bed -stuff his father should be doing but isn't - he leaves it all to me. And then when I chastise the kid for doing something wrong, I get screamed at for doing it. I simply can't win. All I get is the "leave my kid alone. I'm his father and you have no right to tell him off!" Well, excuse me, but who the hell does he think is looking after the kid all day long - it sure as hell isn't him! He goes off and does whatever it is he does and leaves the kid here. What does he expect me to do? Leave the punishment for the stuff the kid does wrong until he gets home? I don't think so! That is not the way kids learn for a start. He wasn't brought up that way, and I sure as hell am not going to let the little bugger run ferral around the place like he does! I am starting to scare myself when I do have to chastise Kasey. I am scared that I will hurt him if he does something really wrong. My patience is all but gone completely with him. The simplest things bug me no end. Stupid things - like rustling of plastic bags, banging his toys together - just every day kid stuff - but it annoys the hell out of me, and I can't control it anymore. I don't know if I can hang on until next week when I have my appointment with the psychologist. I am scared that I am going to snap and do something that I will well and truely regret later. But I can't get that through my son's head either. What the hell am I supposed to do?