Happy Birthday Mum

Lorraine June Stokes nee Hillman

1-6-1932 - 24-4-2009

My beautiful, wonderful mother would have turned 77 today, but we buried her a month ago today. She died of cancer in her sleep at the nursing home she had lived at since diagnosis nearly 9 years ago. She was luckier than most who suffer from this horrid disease. She didn't have chemotherapy at all, but did undergo several lots of radiotherapy. The cancer that finally took her began in an unknown location. By the time it was discovered, it was a secondary location that was found in her left lung. Surgery wasn't and option because of the threat of scar tissue closing off her remaining viable lung. So her specialist opted for radiotherapy. This treatment gave her another five years of her life. During that time she did many things that she wouldn't probably have otherwise done - she travelled around Australia by car & caravan with her friend Jenny and also enjoyed a trip to Canada and back via Singapore and Hong Kong. But two years ago when she was taken quite suddenly ill and was rushed to the Royal Adelaide Hospital with what was suspected to be a stroke of some sort, we discovered that the cancer had returned with a vengence. It had metastecised to her surviving lung, her remaining kidney, to her liver, to her spine and to her brain. Poor Mum. But up until the last month or so of her life, she was fortunate in that she didn't have a great deal of pain -or if she did, she didn't let on to anyone. She is gone now, to a better place. A place where there is no more suffering and pain. And today, when we remember her on her birthday, we choose to remember the mum without the cancer, the mum without pain and suffering. The mum who was there for each and every one of us when we needed her. The mum who never said anything was too hard. Bless you mum, and Happy Birthday. I can't share a birthday cake with you this year when my turn comes next week. But I did light a candle for you and it has burned all day long in your memory.

Vale: Lorraine Stokes nee Hillman

Lorraine June Stokes

born 1 June 1932 Mt Barker, SA

died 24 April 2009 Mt Barker, SA

Loved wife of Wally. Mother and mother-in-law of Julie, Yvonne & Peter, Brett, Lee-Anne & Steve, Timothy (decd.), Patti & Tony. Fondly remembered by Ros.

Grandmother to Lincoln & Kellie; Alyssa, Renee & Felicity; Hilary & Emaley; Amy-Lee, Chad, Brodie & Duane; and Jaime-Lea.

Great grandmother of Tahlia, Joshua, Tyrone, Kasey, Tre & Phoebe; Laura & Hannah; Rosalie; Shayleigh, Kayla & Deegan.

Why can't I see what's going on?

It has been exactly three weeks since I wrote anything in here. That doesn't mean that things are any better than they were three weeks ago though. Quite the contrary. I am still not coping with stuff very well. Small things piss me off beyond reason.

Yesterday I screamed like a banshee at my grandson when he sneaked quietly up behind my chair while I was trying to do some work on my computer. He didn't say anything, but stood just behind my chair making stupid noises - very quietly but loud enough for me to hear what he was saying. There weren't any real words, just silly little kid jibber. But it cut through my already low concentration like a knife through butter. My reaction to him was totally unreasonable. I should not have yelled like I did at him. He was only trying to get my attention.

If I can see this when I write about it, why can't I see it when stuff happens to piss me off and send me back down the tunnel to play with the black dog again?

Slow Progress

I have been lazy. I haven't written in here for about a month now, but much has been happening to drive me insane - more so than I was before. I thought I was making some progress then all hell broke loose and tipped me off the edge again.

To try and help myself with the anxiety and depression, I have been seeing a psychologist once a fortnight for a while now. He is good. Session before last he tried hypnosis to help me relax. I am supposed to listen to the tape twice a day since then, but haven't even managed to do it once yet. Too much going on - too many distractions - too much noise and too many migraines to even attempt it. How can I concentrate with Kasey yelling and screaming all the time and swearing at his computer game because the bad guys killed him!

The cap off on the past few weeks has been the death of my beloved mother on April 24th. She had cancer. I am sorry she is gone, but know that she is at peace now and not in any more pain. We buried her on Friday May 1st in what was an absolutely moving and fitting tribute to her life. She was an amazing lady, my Mum. I will miss her a lot, but know that she is with me always - can't help but be - I see her everytime I look in a mirror.

Out For The Count...

I have to admit to being a bit lazy of late in my postings here. But I do have an excuse for some of the days I missed - the last two days in particular. I have had the most abominable migraine I have had in a long time. It felt like my head was splitting in half. So I have really been out for the count as it were for several days - partially from the migraine, and partially from the depression & the pain in my back doesn't help at all.

Since I last wrote in my blog, not a lot has happened. Kasey is still a pain, so is his dad. I haven't heard from Kellie and her girls either. And there has been some bad news from New Zealand, which I am not going into here for privacy reasons. But all of it hasn't helped me any in getting over this depression that I just can't seem to shake.

It appears to get a little better and then some other kick in the guts comes along to drag me down again - it's like a vicious circle really. Day after day, week after week. I feel as if I am necer getting any closer to getting better. The psychologist that I am seeing says it will take some time, perhaps 6 - 18 months to get over the depression. When I told him I thought that I had been like this for that long, he was rather surprised - don't know why, that is just how he seemed to me. Perhaps I am not as "ready to top myself" as some people might be after suffering like this for that long - I don't know. But at least he is trying to help me. I am having hypnotherapy at my next session with him - that'll be interesting. I wonder what he will find, and whether or not I come out of it mooing like a cow or laying eggs at the sound of some subliminal trigger?

Missed a few...

Haven't written in my blog for a few days. Things haven't been too bad until Friday. Like an idiot, I got up to put the rubbish bin out for collection when I heard the truck coming down the street. Our driveway is uphill to the road from the house - and stupid here, pushed it up the hill didn't she, then had to drag it round to put it in the right spot. Holy Cow did my back ever hurt at the end of it. So much so, that I spent most of the day on the couch in absolute agony. Still in heaps of pain now, but just got up again to take some more pain medication so that I CAN SLEEP!!

Monday 23rd

Did what small amount of housework my back would allow me to do. God I hate this! The house is like a pig yard but there isn't much I can do about it right now. Had a bit of help doing some of the jobs though, which wasn't too bad. But, as usual, I tried to do too much and hurt myself trying to do the cats' litter tray (hate that job - hate, hate, hate). I had to lay down for a while after that.

Went to visit a friend's mother in hospital last night. She has been gravely ill, but looked much better than when I saw her jsut over a week or so ago.

The rest of the day was pretty boring - don't remember much about it - because I was asleep and drugged up on pain pills for what I did to myself. I wish they would hurry up and fix my back. I am so, so, sick of it!

Sunday 22nd

A quiet day eventhough Kasey was at home all day. He spent most of it with his Dad upstairs playing games on his father's playstation. I spent most of it asleep, so missed whatever else was happening in the house around me. Woke up feeling drained, but at least I got some sleep unlike the night before.

I am disappointed in myself today. I have work to do and can't concentrate long enought to get anything done. A client called me today and asked how his job was coming along. That was enough to tip me over the edge slightly. I had to tell him that I cannot complete the job for him due to my health issues. He tried to argue with me when I told him that I would not be charging him for the time I have spent so far on the job - truth be known, I haven't touched the job in nearly 3 months - and it was only supposed to take me a couple of weeks to do. I am sorry Frank.

Saturday 21st

Got through yesterday fairly well - that is until it was time to go home. I remember looking at the clock in the office at Heather's shop and noting the time - 5:13PM - and thinking to myself that it was almost home time! From that moment on the anxiety became gradually worse. I could feel myself tensing up, minute by minute, at the thought of going home and having to face my son and his demands, and my grandson and his demands as well. I have to admit that I had not consciously thought about it before that time, but since I saw John the other day, I have been taking more notice of what I am doing and how I am feeling.

My head began to ache, and so did my back. I felt physically sick about the time that we got in the car and made ready to leave the carpark. That feeling stayed with me until about an hour after my grandson had gone to bed. I am finding that what John suggested I do - write down how I am feeling and what I think triggered those feelings - is a useful tool in dealing with this.'

I am working with Heather again today, so we will see how it pans out by the end of it.

Friday 20th

Working with Heather again today - yay!! no kids to drive me up the wall again!! I will play receptionist again for her today - just hope I can stay awake all day - couldn't yesterday - had to have a bit of a kip in the late morning and then again in the afternoon. But she will be totally on her own today, so I have to do my best to stay away to help her out.

I really can't help that I have to lay down or sleep during the day - the pain drugs make me so drowsy and the migraine ones are not any better!

Thursday 19th

Aaahhhhh!! A much more peaceful day!

I spent the day at the shop with Heather, and will be doing the same on Friday and Saturday as well. Just answering the phone for her, as her partner and staff are off at the Clipsal 500 race (lucky buggers!).

Fell asleep twice during the day - but it did me good to catch up that little bit. And when I wasn't answering the phone, I have been editing my book and expanding some passages a little.

My Drawing Efforts

For years I have been drawing stuff - not very good mind you, but reasonable compared to some I have seen. The weird thing is that I can only draw well when my brain is acting up like it is at the moment. Depression allows my artistic side to come really well - don't know why, but it does.

These are two drawings I have done in the past couple of days. The little girl is my grand-daughter Phoebe, who lives in New Zealand with her mum, and the boy is Kasey. The only thing missing is the devilment in Kasey's eyes - just can't seem to capture that in his expression.

Just thought I would share my work with my readers.

Wednesday 18th

Wan't as bad a day as I thought it might be after all. Kasey wasn't too bad in the morning, but got worse as the day progressed, although I have to say he wasn't half as bad as he normally has been - perhaps the diet and the fish oil and the brauer calm are beginning to take effect on him.

Didn't go shopping today was Linc had stuff he needed to do, so I just stayed at home until it was time to go see the Psychologist for my first visit with him.

Where do I start - the psychologist's name is John ( won't print his whole name though ) - seems like and alright sort of a bloke, I suppose. I have to say that he asked some really dumb questions of me, and he had a hard time getting his own head around my family structure and that of my children and their respective families. Took him most of the session to work that out right!

We went through a series of questions relating to stuff that has/hasn't happened to me in my past and about how I feel about those items now. At the end of it he informed me that I am definitely suffering from clinical depression and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) - but I already knew that anyway!

I just now have to learn to live with it and manage my episodes better than what I am now doing. As if I can do that just now, with one of the roots of the problem driving me up the wall on a daily basis! But learn I must, so now I am off to learn more about coping with the conditions as best I can. I have to see him again in a fortnight. My parting words to him were that I would see him in a fortnight as long as I hadn't killed anyone in the interim.

Tuesday 17th

Colleen went home today. I don't know how I am going to get through the days now iwthout her here to keep an eye on me so that I don't do something I will regret later.

Went to the airport to take Witchey there to go home. Heather and I went to the hospital to visit her mum on the way home. While we were at the airport, Linc phoned Heather and asked if we could stop by Roger's place and pick Kasey up. God he has a nerve - can't he look after his own bloody kid for just one day without expecting me to do his duty for him!

I have a plan!!!!! Heather will be working on her own at the shop from Thursday through Saturday - so I am going to work with her as a means of escape. She told Linc that HE would have to look after Kasey himself!!!

Monday 16th

Well, what can I say - the day from hell? Am I losiing my mind? Or what?

Kasey was a complete nightmare today - everything he could do wrong or to piss me off, he did. How I got through the day, I am buggered if I know. If it wasn't for Colleen being here, I don't know what I would have done.

Sunday 15th

The day started out okay but deteriorated rapidly into chaos. I slept late - well, late for me anyway - after being up and down all night with myback. Kasey slept later than normal too, which I saw as a blessing, but that was shortlived once he got out of bed. Talk about demanding! I want this, I want that, give me a drink, I want food - and on and on he went.

Heather and Colleen suggested to my son that it would be a good idea if he took the boy out with him for a few hours to give me some peace. He reluctantlu=y agreed and took him over to Roger's place for a couple of hours. The girls and I had planned to go for a nosey down to the Brickworks Markets, just for something to do, and Colleen wated to buy a couple of Kitchen Witches for her house. When the time came to get ready to leave, I didn't feel like going, so had decidedto stay home and have some peace and quite to myself. But that idea was squashed when Linc and Kasey arrived back only about an hou after they left. That changed my mind rapidly, and so we went off to the markets by ourselves with out boy children in tow. We had a lovelly afternoon just browsing around the different stalls- Colleen got 3 witches and I bougth a box of scrapbooking bits for only $4-50 with 2000 items in it; and we all splurged on Jelly Bellies at the Lollypop shop - 49 flavours of jelly beans! YUM!

Migraines & Kids Don't Mix

Yesterday, Saturday 14th March, I had another horrid migraine. Kasey did everything he possibly could to exaserbate the situation for me. A couple of times I came very close to getting up off the couch and thumping him. What was I doing on the couch? Well, that is another story entirely, but to cut it short, my son is sleeping in my room, Colleen in sleeping in his room, and I am sleeping on the couch? Why? Because the couch is more comfortable on my back than my bed is, and because I am up and down a dozen times a night, it is fairer on the rest of the household if I am not thumping up and down the stairs a dozen times a night.

Finally heard from Kellie yesterday, she and the girls are fine. The cyclone up there turned out to be a bit of a fizzer apparently. Got some photos of Laura in her new school uniform - she reminds me of Kellie in her QLD uniform 15 years ago when we lived up there.

Linc informed me tonight that he is going to QLD for two weeks in 11 days time with Wayne to see Kellie and the girls before he goes to NZ. Nice of him. His exact words after he said he was going were "Do you want me to take Kasey with me?" Oh Duhh!! He is your kid son, take him with you, because if you don't he might not be here when you get back was the thought that ran through my head. But I didn't say that to him, instead I suggested that it would be a good idea to take him so that he can see his aunty & cousins before he leaves the country. I can't believe that my son can be so selfish as to expect me to look after Kasey for two weeks on my own while he goes jetting off to QLD! I suppose he will ask me to have the little shit while he goes up to Loxton to do the tattoo jobs he has lined up, up there too! Be buggered! He can take him with him! I need a break from his horrid attitude and his antics before I go completely insane!

Friday 13th

What a day! My best friend's mother was rushed to hospital again on Friday morning. Heather rang me at about 10am to tell me that she was going to the hospital to be with her mum and that she would be home when she got home. She wasn't kidding - she didn't get home until after midnight and looked like death warmed up herself! Her mum is over 80 and until a few months ago, had not been near a hospital since her youngest daughter was born 50 years ago. She still lives by herself at home - Heather's dad passed away about 6 or so years ago, maybe more - and still drives her car and does stuff for herself. So when Margaret took ill, it was quite a surprise. But it isn't good, the prognoses are that she will not be able to go back home and look after herself again, she will need full time, high dependancy nursing care for the rest of her life - the expectancy of which is quite short.

This added to my own problems and nightmares dragged me further down than I already was. I don't know how much more bad news is going to come my way before I snap completely. I just hope my own mum hangs in there for a while longer, if not, then I know that will tip me over the edge of no return.

Yesterday Sucked

It was not a good day yesterday - at all. Kasey was a nightmare all day, I had a rotten migraine -again, and nothing went right all day. Then to top it off I had a meeting to go to last night and I ended up leaving half way through because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I really do not like where my mind is sitting at the present moment.

I am scared that I am going to hurt someone. And it will probably be either myself or Kasey. He drives me insane and I can't seem to get away from this horrible feeling. He is only a little kid, but the stuff he gets into is unbelievable for a four year old to be doing. Yesterday he smashed a double adapter power board by dropping an old broken laptop on it and smashing it. Then while it was still plugged into power he pulled it apart - how he wasn't electrocuted I don't know!! He managed to trip the earth leakage circuit though and turned off all the power in the house!

My anger levels went through the roof, and even though I took myself out of the room and away from the situation, I still couldn't escape the horrible feeling of wanting to wring his neck. Because I feel this way at the moment, I am glad that Colleen is here, because if she wasn't, I don't know what I would be capable of doing.

I don't mean that I deliberately want to hurt Kasey, I don't. I love the poor little bugger to bits, he is the only one of my grandsons that I ever see. I just mean that because I feel so damned low and depressed about everything else that is going on in my life, I just snap at the slightest provocation and lash out without thinking. And I can't help it. As I said before, I don't like where my head is at right now. It frightens me. I am scared I am going to do something that I will seriously regret for the rest of my life, and I don't know what to do about it.

Just Another Day

Not a lot happened yesterday really. All in all my day wasn't too bad. Pain wise it was managable - although towards the end of the day I was really feeling it. Mentally - well - that's another story. Kasey drove me insane again with his abhorrent behaviour. I really am at my wits end with that boy. I know it is only for a few more weeks, but I don't know if I can hang on that long. I have started watching the clock in the mornings lately and thinking to myself that it is however long until the nightmare strikes. I know this is irrational but I can't help it. In the afternoons I find myself watching the clock and thinking that it is only however long until his father comes home and gives me some peace, but then I turn that around to the negative as well, because I don't get any peace then either because there is still dinner to get for him, bath to give him and then to put him to bed -stuff his father should be doing but isn't - he leaves it all to me. And then when I chastise the kid for doing something wrong, I get screamed at for doing it. I simply can't win. All I get is the "leave my kid alone. I'm his father and you have no right to tell him off!" Well, excuse me, but who the hell does he think is looking after the kid all day long - it sure as hell isn't him! He goes off and does whatever it is he does and leaves the kid here. What does he expect me to do? Leave the punishment for the stuff the kid does wrong until he gets home? I don't think so! That is not the way kids learn for a start. He wasn't brought up that way, and I sure as hell am not going to let the little bugger run ferral around the place like he does! I am starting to scare myself when I do have to chastise Kasey. I am scared that I will hurt him if he does something really wrong. My patience is all but gone completely with him. The simplest things bug me no end. Stupid things - like rustling of plastic bags, banging his toys together - just every day kid stuff - but it annoys the hell out of me, and I can't control it anymore. I don't know if I can hang on until next week when I have my appointment with the psychologist. I am scared that I am going to snap and do something that I will well and truely regret later. But I can't get that through my son's head either. What the hell am I supposed to do?

A Non-Event

Yesterday was pretty much a non-event for me. I spent nearly the whole day asleep or at least laying down for most of it. I got up for the essential stuff - coffee, to have a smoke, calls of nature... I didn't even answer the phone when it rang. I was lucky to have Colleen here to help me with keeping Kasey amused, otherwise I don't know what I would have done and Kasey would probably be dead by now - either by his own hand, from getting into stuff he shouldn't, or by mine from snapping like a dry twig.

I had the most horrid migraine that I have had in a while. Nothing I did would make it ease off. It is still niggling at me now, but at least I can function a little bit better - and that will only last as long as it is quiet in the house and he isn't running around yelling and screaming and banging his toys and things all over the place. Lately, the slightest loud noise irritates me and I find myself getting more and more angry over it. I know this is stupid, and totally irrational, but I can't help it. Plastic bags and paper rustling - you know what I mean - when someone squishes a plastic bag up or screws up some paper... The TV annoys me too. Any noise at all annoys me to the point where all I do is yell or lash out at whomever is making the noise. How am I supposed to cope with this. It is totally irrational but I can't help how I feel. Perhaps the doctor that I am seeing later today will be able to help me with this. God knows I need some help from someone to deal with it. I am getting worse by the day and I am scared that if I don't work out how to cope with what is going on in my head soon, I am going to hurt someone -whether it be myself or someone else.

Watching Hamish

I have been on cyclone watch for the past 36 hours - even though I am a couple of thousand k's away, but Kellie and my girls are up there in the thick of it. For at least the last 18 hours it has been sitting off the coast between Yeppoon and Bundaberg, and they are smack in the middle of it.

I've had Kell on the phone stressing over what she should do if it hits. My best advice to her is to get to hell out of there as fast as she can. But as usual there is some excuse not to do what is right - this time it is no petrol in her car. For God's sake Kellie, ring the SES or the local council - they must have some sort of assistance to get people evacuated if necessary. You wouldn't be the only person in the same boat up there. I know that they arrest people who don't comply with evacuation orders, so you better do what they tell you, or you might find yourself locked up, and the girls with you!

What A Day!!

Went to visit my mum today after talking to her on the phone this morning. She didn't sound too good when I called her, so we went in to see her on the way to Wistow to the school reunion. By the time we got there she was a little better than she had been when we spoke on the phone. She had a fall yesterday - went to get out of bed and her legs didn't want to hold her up. Poor old thing, she really isn't having much of a go lately.

The Wistow school reunion went off well. Mostly oldies there though, not many of the kids who came to the school I went to when theirs closed. I went because my Dad attended Wistow school, as did his brothers and sister. It was great to see those I did know from school, and some of those with whom my father played cricket when I was little.

When I got home, I had messages to call Kellie in Bundaberg, only to learn that she was in a flat panic because Cyclone Hamish is bearing down on the town she lives in with great force. She didn't know what she should do, so I had to spend some time trying to settle her down and get her to organise a cyclone box - you know what I mean - the box you put all the essentials in for use in just such an emergency. I hope she listened to what I told her - or else she just might find herself blown away - literally!!

Over the Edge

Well, Kasey finally managed to push me over the edge today. He has been a complete monster all day long. Nothing - and I mean nothing - I did could make him behave like a normal kid. From the minute he opened his eyes this morning, it seemed as though he was out to make the day a complete misery for me. Back chatting like you wouldn't believe, sneaking around to the kitchen and getting into the cupboards, waking Heather up when he was told not to by both me and his father, stealing food from the fridge, touching stuff he knows he is not allowed to touch, yelling and screaming for no reason at all, banging his cars and other toys on the coffee table, jumping on and over the furniture, throwing food around the lounge room - this time it was yoghurt, running up and down the stairs, stamping on the floor upstairs so that it echoes really loud down stairs.... And the list goes on!

I have him on the Feingold diet now - and he is not happy about it because he can't have the stuff he likes - the stuff that sends him nutty. But today's efforts pushed me over the edge and I lashed out at him. I hate myself for doing it, poor little bugger. I didn't hurt him, but I hurts me to think that I could go so far as to hit him because I can't deal with his crap.

Migraine doesn't help either. I should be in a dark room trying to sleep it off, but I don't have a hope in hell of doign that while Kasey is running around the house getting into all kinds of stuff he knows he isn't allowed to touch. Even laying down in the lounge was a joke today. As soon as I looked like I needed to lay down - he would start up with his noisey toys, yell, scream that horrible high pitched squeal that he does just to piss me off. And the drugs aren't helping - they would if I could get some peace & quiet from his incessant racket.

Bugger - just realised that it is tomorrow already - better clarify that this is about Saturday, not Sunday.

Yesterday

I didn't write yesterday because I was suffering all day with a rotten migraine. I went to the doctor in the late afternoon, reluctantly, to have accupuncture in an attempt to rid myself of these foul headaches. By tea time my face was still sort of numb and tingly - don't know if that is normal or not, but it worried me a bit. I am having another accupuncture session next Friday so will ask the Doc then if it is normal.

Did some more creating the other night while everyone else was asleep -and here is what I created - I think they look more realistic than the first ones I did:-

I am going to help Kasey to make some Psyanky for him to give as Easter presents this year. No chocolate for him, but perhaps he will enjoy making the pysanky anyway. Oh, sorry - if you don't know whay Pysanky are, they are Ukrainian Easter Eggs (one is called a pysanka and more are called pysanky. I will post pictures here when we are done with them).

Overwhelmed

Today is not a good day. I woke up way too early again, sat here for a while and tried to tire myself out so that I could get some more sleep, but it didn't work. My migraine from a couple of days ago is threatening to come back - I had a small aura about half an hour ago, which is usually a good sign that a migraine is imminent. Most times I can function for about 2 hours after the onset of a migraine aura, but after that I can forget all about doing anything except hiding my head under a pillow with my ears blocked with cotton wool.

I don't want a migraine today - I have Kasey all day on my own today, and I have to go to the Doc's again at midday. Please don't come on full force, but I know it will - the nausea has already started. The whole thing with migraine is that it is so overwhelming - no overpowering is probably a better description. It takes over everything and reduces me to a basket case. I can't do anything at all when I have a really bad one. I HATE MIGRAINE HEADACHES with a passion. Can someone tell me how to cure them permenantly please?

Time

It's six fifteen in my morning
what time of day in yours?
As I sit here sleepily yawning
Is daylight closing its doors?

Are you awake at your place
or is it the middle of night?
As I prepare for the ratrace
do your pleasant dreams take flight?

And when I'm asleep in my bed
is it Monday or Tuesday there?
Are night-time thoughts in your head
slipping by without a care?

Crossing My Fingers

Went shopping today and spent ages reading all the labels on the foods that I normally buy looking for all the bad stuff that sends Kasey ratty! Looks like I have to change my shopping habits considerably - most of the stuff has something or other artificial in it. BUT we did it - we got him a stack of fresh fruit & vegies and proper butter and cheese without yellow colouring and cordial without red/green/yellow in it - didn't cost that much more really. A couple of things were more expensive, but on the whole it wasn't all that much more than normal. I just hope that this whole Feingold Diet thing works for him. I added a bit to it as well - I got him some Brauer Natural Calm drops from the Chemist and I have already given him a couple of doses of it - and it seems to be helping straight up - so perhaps the nearly $20.00 that I paid for this stuff is going to prove its worth.

I really hope that this works for him, because he is really getting too much to handle. He is driving everyone up the wall with his incessant chatter, outright obnoxious behaviour, rudeness, aggression, weird sleeping patterns, refusal to do as he is asked and much more besides. Don't like having to do this to him, he likes his special treats on shopping days, but he can't have them now. So I have come up with an idea that I am hoping will help him understand what he can and can't have.

We bought some stickers today when we did the shopping and together, he and I put the stickers on the foods that Kasey is allowed to have. I have been reinforcing this by telling him to check for stickers on the packets or tins or whatever. If it has a sticker on it, he is allowed to have it, if it doesn't he can't have it. I have also cut up a heap of junk mail flyers while he was asleep today and made him a chart with foods he can have on it. If it isn't on his chart, then he can't have it. There is a promise of something really special for him if he can get his behaviour under control a bit within two weeks. This means that he has to stop the bad behaviour and the back chat etc. by next shopping day, and if he has, then he will get something special bought for him. If he keeps up the bad behaviour, then no specials will be forthcoming. He seems to be in agreeance with this, but hell, he is 4 years old (going on 24!), and it is still only the first day.

We will see what the next few days brings - I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Hell Day

Yesterday was a nightmare in the extreme!

The day started out okay, as most days do, in the wee small hours when I wake up after only a few hours sleep. As you can see by my last post, I did a bit of artwork to waste some time while the rest of the household slept. But while I enjoyed creating those eggs, I did myself a dis-service in making them - I ended up with a magnificent migraine!

Ever tried coping with an horrific headache with a noisy 4 year old running around the place yelling and screaming, bashing toys and other things together? Can't go and hide in my room because the little bugger will get up to God knows what kind of mischief - Can't go to sleep either, for the same reason.

Managed to talk my son into taking him out for at least a few hours so that I could get some relief from the headache - but that only lasted a couple of hours, then he was back again, yelling and screaming and carrying on.

The headache lasted for 9 hours, and to be 100% honest, I don't think that it has completely subsided yet. There is still a twinge in the right rear area of my head, and it took a bit to get my eyes to focus properly when I got up just a while ago. I hope it stays at bay at least long enough for me to get the shopping done today, and for me to visit the Doc again.

Note to self - get scripts for Sandomigan, Zoloft and ask him to put Mersyndol on the script as well so that it isn't costing me a fortune each week.

Time Wasting

Do a lot of this lately. Here's an example of what wasting time has been know to produce - Oriental inspired eggs -

These first four are Chinese inspired

And these three are Japanese inspired.

[These Eggs are copyright © JK Stokes 2009 - you may not copy without my permission -

so please ask before you steal them!]

Running on Empty

Good morning world!

It's almost 10 to 6 in the morning, and I have been up for about an hour or so. I did have a little sleep - about 3 hours or so. Don't know how long I can keep going at this rate. I really do feel like I am running on empty.

Sure, I will get some more sleep later in the day, after I have put today's patch on, but it isn't the sound and long sleep that the body needs to have on a daily basis to survive.

It RAINED !!!!

Whooooo Hoooo!!!!! Rain at last!

It has been ages since we had any rain. What there has been this evening hasn't been much but it was enough to make the road wet, the back yard wet and to turn the dust on the windscreen to mud! Heather came home and told me that she had seen wet shiny things - puddles! Rare as rocking-horse poop around here lately.

I just hope those poor buggers in Victoria are getting some of it as well to help dampen down the rest of the fire ravaged areas that were still buring when last I heard - think that was yesterday.

The cold weather and I don't get along, but when it is too hot for too long, there is always the risk of major fires. I lived through the disastrous 1981 and 1983 Ash Wednesday fires - that was enough for me, thank you very much. But the degree of devastation this time is absolutely horrendous for the people in country Victoria. Touch wood - we have been more fortunate with regard to major fire outbreaks this year in SA.

I have nothing but praise and admiration for the men and women who man the fire units across the country. Our volunteer fireys are the best trained, best equipped and best able to deal with the ravages of major bushfires than any other fire defence units in the world. I'm not a religious nut, but God Bless them, every one for their selfless and tireless efforts in protecting homes, property, life and limb in times of great danger.

Nothing is Simple or Straightforward

I have just come back from seeing the Job Capacity Assessor at CRS. An hour and a half gone and I am not sure that I am really any further down the track, except that things are at last starting to move in my favour a little bit.

The GP's office just called - have to go see the Doc to get a referral to have some more medical imaging done. Had an MRI back in November, but it seems the Surgeon's office have been onto them this morning wanting me to have more. So on Wednesday I have an appointment with the GP to get that referral, and he can fill in the forms the JCA gave me for him while he's at it. I also have to get an appointment with the pain specialist and have him fill in the same sort of form. When I have both forms completed, I have to go back to see the JCA again and they will make a decision on what they are going to do with me - give me a 12 month medical exemption or put me on a DSP until I get the surgery done.

Why is it so damned hard to get anything done? See this one for this, and that one for that, and some other person for the next step. By the time I'm finished I will probably have walked the same distance as it is from Adelaide to Brisbane in the corridors of Flinders, the GP's office, the Neurologist's office and the Pain bloke's office - not to mention the surgeon if I ever get to see him of course.

Last Night's Tea

I made a satay stir fry for tea last night, thinking that it may just get Kasey to eat properly. All the vegies and meat he needed in a peanut sauce. WRONG!!

All I got from him for half an hour after his tea was put in front of him was excuse after excuse as to why he didn't think he should have to eat his food. Here are some of his reasons why he didn't thing he had to eat it -

• I hate food
• My dad says I don't have to eat anything
• If my dad says it's yuk, it's yuk - okay!
• Don't like poo butter
• I not eating my begables
• Don't want it
• This stinks
• I will die if I eat this stuff

And so it went... In the end I took it off him and told him that he wasn't getting anything else - to which he replied "Look moron, my dad will get me icecream if I want it!"

This is a 4 year old talking to me, his Nan. And it gets worse. There are days when I could cheerfully choke the little horror. I told my son last night that as of pay day this week, when I do the shopping, Kasey is going on a Feingold diet. It worked for his father 30 odd years ago, let's see if it makes a difference to Kasey.

http://www.eatwell.gov.uk/foodlabels/understandingenumbers/ - UK Site explaining E-numbers in foods - the nasty stuff that turns nice kids into monsters.

http://www.stressmatters.com.au/enumbers_warning_list.htm - AUS list of bad E-numbers and what they do to people (not just kids) - this list is HUGE!!! I never realised how large the list of bad crap in our foods was!

http://www.foodreactions.org/allergy/additives/ - site with a huge amount of information about E-numbers and their uses and problems that they cause - worth a read.

Sleep..... What is that?

Here we are again... 2:00 in the morning and I am wide awake. I did have a couple of hours sleep earlier tonight - like from about 8:30 until about midnight. But nature called and I am now wide awake. Doing what, you ask.... wasting more time sitting here in front of my computer doing nothing of any use - I just wasted 2 hours making a nest with all my facebook eggs in it using Paint Shop Pro! You would think that I could be doing something worthwhile, but no, I can't even concentrate long enough to do that. Even this post has taken me nearly half an hour to write!

Just Concentrate...

Yeah, right!!!

How the hell do I do that? There was a time when my concentration levels were extremely high, but those days are long gone. These days, I find it really hard to concentrate on anything for too long. The house is full of UFO's - no, silly, not space craft, Un-Finished Objects - because my ability to concentrate on stuff is just non-existent.

I love to read but lately it takes forever to read a book - the last one I tried to read, I think I read the same page at least a dozen times. I would pick it up, read a bit, doze off, wake up, read the same passage again, lose my place in the text, doze off, wake up, look for my place in the text, and re-read the whole chapter again to make sure I hadn't missed anything!! A bit like reading the book several times, only doing the several readings at the same time. And then I get pissed off with myself because I can't concentrate on what I am reading.

It is the same with just about anything I tackle lately - just can't concentrate. I even forget what I was talking about if I get interupted for a nano-second. Or I will be talking about something and my mind just goes totally blank and I have absolutely no damned idea what I was rabbiting on about. It is just so frustrating, but GAD does that to you.

I used to do a lot of craft stuff like sewing, embroidery and making toys and teddy bears for my grandkids (and for me too) but I don't anymore because they never get finished. A great example is the little dresses I made for my grand-daughter just before Christmas to send over to her in NZ for her birthday in January - they are still sitting here without zips and buttons and some still have pins in them waiting for hemming! She had her birthday 2 months back and I still haven't finished them or sent them. By the time I do, they won't fit her at all.

The only thing that I do with any regularity now is sit (for as long as I can anyway) in front of this stupid machine and surf the net, play a few games, write a bit, and waste a lot of my time hunting for eggs or building my farm up in facebook!! Sure it gives me something to do but hell, it isn't really productive is it. Just a means of escaping from the reality of the fact that I can't do much anymore - a) because of my back; and b) because of the anxiety & depression. It is my scapegoat. I have even put off stuff that I know I have to get done and that I have been paid to do, because I just can't cope with doing it because the concentration levels are at rock bottom. And that only adds to the problem, because I then get all stressed out about not getting those things finished on time, or when I said I would, and waste more time looking for or making excuses for not getting it done, instead of spending the time productively and getting on with it.

It is a vicious and neverending cycle and lately the troughs are deeper than they have ever been before.

The Daily Grind

Another day is breaking outside, and I have been awake since 3:30am - can't sleep at night very well because of the pain in my back and hips - and probably because I sleep so much during the day due to the medication I am on. The rest of the household is still sound asleep. I wish I was too, but I have always been the same - once my eyes are open, I am wide awake and it takes a lot to get back to sleep again. Not being able to get comfortable makes it hard to rest properly too. No wonder I look like I'm about 70 instead of 50 on the really bad days.

The frustration of not being able to do simple stuff around the house is getting to me badly. I feel guilty because I can't bend down to unload the dishwasher - so the dishes rack up on the sink and the bench until I can't stand the sight of them any longer and have to physically hurt myself to unload and reload the dishwasher and to clean the bench and sink down. A simple task you say - for you maybe, but not for me. What used to take only a few minutes to do can now take me several hours!! It hurts like hell to bend down to remove the clean dishes from the washer, and it hurts just as much to bend down again to reload it. Doing the dishes in the sink is not an option either. By the time I fill the sink and wash maybe two or three plates, I need to go and sit down, because the standing for even that brief amount of time makes my back hurt badly. By the time I have recovered enough to go back to the kitchen to give it another go, the water is cold and I have to start all over again! So much for water conservation in this house.

It is just as bad in the laundry. I will put a load of washing on to wash and because I can't carry the basket, I need to make numerous trips out to the clothes airer which we have set up on the verandah so that I don't have to make the trek down the back yard to the clothes line. Each trip to the airer carries only a couple of items of washing at a time. It is tiring and after a couple of trips, I need to sit down again - or lay down even - and if I do that I often fall asleep. By the time I wake up the washing has been sitting in the machine for hours and smells musty and needs to be rewashed - more wasting of water, soap powder and electricity!!

The simple stuff is what gets to me the most - getting dressed in the mornings - putting my clothes on - especially shoes and socks - so now I don't wear any, and when winter comes round again, I will live in my ugg boots because it hurts too much to put shoes and socks on! The every day stuff that we all take for granted. Actually, you know what hurts more than anything else? Wiping my backside after going to the toilet! The twisting movement to reach and wipe causes so much pain that it often brings tears to my eyes! If someone had told me that a few years ago I would have laughed myself stupid at the thought - not any more. Now I know better. I used to think that having a bidet was only for the rich and famous and swanky hotels - you have no idea how many times I have wished that we had one in our loo.

I am hoping that my son will be considerate of his mother today, and look after his own son for the day, giving me a much needed break. I have Kasey here 24/7 - and my son lives with us too, but I look after him while Linc is working or doing whatever it is he does when he is not at home. He can be a handful, and I get so frustrated with the poor little bugger that I end up yelling at him for no good reason, other than the fact that I am pissed of with myself. He is a normal little 4 year old kid - into everything and as inquisitive as all get out. But Nan gets angry with him because he chucks his toys around the place, bangs them on anything and on each other, making more noise than my sleep deprived brain sees as reasonable.

Last week we had to take him up to the hospital because while I was in one of my drug induced sleeps during the day, Kasey helped himself to some of my medication- nothing too bad though - and he is fine. But it scared the hell out of me. What if he took some of the strong stuff - what if he put my patches on himself - that could kill him quite easily as he is as allergic to fentanyl as I am to morphine! I can't put into words the fear I felt when I realised what he had done.

So you can understand how it happened, let me explain - I had put my patches on about 2 hours prior to this happening. It takes about that long for the sleepiness to kick in. Kasey was playing a game on his dad's x-box and called out to me to come and watch him, so like the dutiful and attentive Nan that I try to be, I went into the lounge room and sat on the couch to watch him play. Before I knew what was happening, I had falled asleep. I don't think I was actually asleep that long, but it was long enough for him to sneak out to the kitchen and climb up to where the medicines are kept and help himself to the paracetamol, cold and flu tablets, and a couple of my Zoloft depression medication. He took himself back to the lounge and climbed up into the lazyboy chair and went to sleep himself. The phone ringing woke me up, and as I was using the walkabout, I went out to the kitchen to get better reception - and noticed the meidcation packets all over the floor. I cut the phone call short immediately and went into the lounge to wake him up - it took me nearly 15 minutes to get him to wake up. I was so scared that he had seriously hurt himself when I couldn't wake him up. I rang Heather at work and asked her to ring Linc, because I couldn't think of his number in my frantic state. He came straight home and took him to the hospital.

But it doesn't end there. About an hour later I got an abusive phone call from my son ordering me to go to the hospital and sit with Kasey, because it was my fault that he was there anyway! He had "things to do" and since it was my fault, I "best get up here and sit with my son, since you are the cause of him being here." Great... now I have my son blaming me for Kasey getting into stuff. I wish Linc would realise that the things that Kasey does are attention seeking - his attention, not mine or anyone elses. If he spent a bit more time with the kid instead of pissing on with his mates, it would be alright and the poor little bugger wouldn't do half the crap that he does. Seven hours later, I was allowed to go home when my son arrived back at the hospital. No consideration was given to my physical well being at all during this ordeal either.

So, as this new day arrives, I am sitting here contemplating what I will try to accomplish today. The dishes maybe; or maybe a load of washing. Heather is home today, so at least I will have some help from her quarter. Oh well..... time to patch up and face the day....

You Don't Qualify...

Since last October I have been waiting for an appointment with the Neurosurgeon to get my back fixed, and since December I have been walking - when I can walk that is - with a walking frame/trolley thing. I haven't been able to work since July 2007 because of the pain in my back and the effect that the pain medication has on me (makes me sleepy). But according to Centrelink, I can still work up to 15 hours a week!!

I would like to see the idiot that came up with that idea put up with this pain and to see them try to just do the everyday stuff !!!!!!!!!!

Also in December, I had to go to Centrelink and see someone about getting on a disability support pension - at least until I can get the surgery done. I was given all the forms and dutifully filled them in and had my GP do his bit as well. Took the forms back and was politely told by the interviewing officer that I didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting it because I wasn't "fully treated"?????????????

What sort of idiots are they?? If I was fully treated, I wouldn't need the stupid pension, I would be able to go back to work - it is while I can't do anything that I need it!! "I will process your application anyway, madam, and make an appointment for you to see a job capacity assessor who will determine whether or not you can do any work" was the sum total of the rest of the conversation I had with the fellow - That was back in December and until Thursday, I was still waiting for them to make the appointment for me.

In the meantime, I have had the Job Network guy on the phone telling me I had to come and see him for some intensive training in how to get a job!! Be buggered I do!!! I could probably teach him how to get a job - I ran the first Job Club in the whole of Australia for ex-offenders in the 90's with an 80% success rate! I don't need their "intensive assistance" - what I do need is for them to open their stupid eyes and see that I can barely walk without the trolley and I spend most of my time asleep - and until I get my back done, nothing is going to change that!!!

So, off I went on Thursday to see this bloke at Atec. If you could have seen the look on his face when he came out and called my name.... priceless is the only way I can describe it. I am sure he thought I was bullshitting him when I told him on the phone that I walked very slowly with a trolley - when I could move at all. To cut a long story short - I snail walked out of his office with a referal to a Job Capacity Assessor on Monday coming - and a recommendation that I be put on the DSP until my surgery and recovery are complete.

What amazed me about this whole thing was that this bloke took about 1 minute to make the appointment using the same networked software/computer system that the idiot at Centrelink uses, and the Centrelink dude couldn't even do it in over 2 months!!!!

They wonder why people get pissed off with them at Centrelink. Quite simply it is because of their complete lack of thought or respect or anything else for their clients. As long as they are getting their pay cheques at the end of each week, it's all good. Too bad about what the client needs or wants. Is it any wonder that they have to have security guards in their offices now to "protect" them from undesirables. The bloody clients wouldn't become undesireable or angry, or pissed off or anything else if the morons behind the counters actually did what we the tax payers are paying them to do - their jobs properly!!!

The frustration of not being able to get any sense out of Centrelink, the lack of support from them when it comes to appointments being made for my, the constant waiting for an appointment to see the surgeon (because I don't have private medical cover), and the constant pain and inability to do the everyday things that everyone else does and takes for granted, weigh heavily on my sanity.

There are days when I could quite cheefully chuck in the towel because of the constant pain and frustration. But where would that leave my family? Not that they give two shits most of the time either, but it's the grandies that I worry about - they wouldn't have their Nan if I chucked it in and I can't be that cruel to them, as most of them only have me as a grandmother anyway.

I have to stop writing this now - my back is hurting like mad, and I am depressing myself futher by thinking about it all..... more tomorrow.

Pain, Pills, Potions & Patches

My back is killing me today. There is a change in the weather and everytime there is a change, the pain is almost unbearable - doesn't matter if it is hot going to cold or cold going to hot, just the barometric pressure change either way seems to have an adverse effect on the severity of the pain I live with every day.

Sitting hurts, standing hurts, laying down hurts. I have put my pain patch on early this morning because it is so sore and taken some extra pain killers too, but it is taking ages to kick in for some reason today. What is causing the pain is chronic lumbar spondylosis - my L4 & L5 vertebra have worn each other away and also the disc between them at an odd angle and are now pushing on nerves and the spinal column to boot. Nice..... NOT!!

In July 2007 I experienced the most horrific pain in my right hip and had to have time off work with it. Later, the back began to hurt to the same degree as the hip and then the left hip decided to come out in sympathy with the rest of it making movement of any sort almost impossible. The result was that I had to give up work because of it. I was having more time off work than on with the pain and inability to move, that it wasn't fair on my (then) wonderful employers, to put them through any more of my prolonged absences from the workplace.

Since then, the pain has increased. I spent months running back and forth to Flinders for Physio and Hydrotherapy work - for nothing - it still hurts like hell. At the end of 2007, my GP sent me to a pain specialist. He prescribed patches (Durogesic - ie. fentanyl) for the pain, which I have to change daily, even though they are 72 hour slow release patches. They help - but they put me to sleep. I spend most of my time asleep nowadays, once I have put my patches on. The pain specialist also sent me to a Neurologist for assessment - he sent me for MRI's and regular xrays etc. and came back with the diagnosis of chronic lumbar spondylosis. The next step was for him to refer me to a Neurosurgeon and that is where the latest degree of my anxiety, depression and general unhappiness comes from. His other orders were that I was to stop using a walking stick (as I had been doing for quite some time) and to start using a walking frame on wheels so that I was not leaning towards the side and making the two vertebra rub together causing more damage.

Great!! Fifty years old and getting about with a bloody trolley - like my 76 year old mother does!! Wonderful !! Great for the self esteeem - NOT!!

Why am I doing this?

Good question... I don't really know myself. Perhaps it is a means of helping me cope with everything that goes on in my world. Sometimes I think that my life would make a great soapie show with all the crap that has happened in it over the past 30 or so years.

A long time ago, when trying to deal with one of the crappy episodes in my life, I actually gave in an sought the help of a counsellor, whose only suggestion was for me to write down stuff that bothered me, happened to me, happened around me as a means of analysing what was going on deep down. So I did that for a while, but soon lost interest. Lately, there have been some more things happening to annoy the hell out of me, depress me, anger me, so I decided to write it down here. Maybe someone who reads it might have some other ideas or strategies for coping with life's crappiest moments.

It is my intention now to make a committment to myself to write in here everyday with all that is bothering me, happening to piss me off, happening around me, causing me grief and so on. It will probably bore the rest of the world to tears but at least I can get it out of my system. Just maybe some of it will keep the black dog at bay for a while.